The following scaffolders rule book was produced by forum members and originally published in 2010 on the Scaffolders Forum. We thought after 5 years we would republish as it never fails to bring a smile to any UK scaffolder.. Enjoy.
Scaffolders Rule Book
So you have made the grades and achieved your CISRS card but to be defined as a true scaffolder you will need the following..
1, Tattoos on the forearm or neck.
2, A complete and utter lack of financial understanding and planning.
3, A mobile phone with a cracked screen.
4, At least a dozen Grandmothers (all of whom die on a sunday night/monday morning)
5, Has had a stint in prison.
6, The unique ability to talk a complex structure (up and down and on the wagon) from the comfort of a bar stool.
7, The CSA after him.
8, A brother/cousin who “is on Trad’s”
9, A surprisingly fit girlfriend.
10, Has at least one staffie.
11, Has kids by at least 2 different partners.
12, Had worked putting the roof on Canary wharf
13, Has been done for drink driving at least once.
14, Knows at least 1 person that worked with the Krays.
16, Drives a battered old car with no tax insurance or MOT.
17, Must be racist.
18, Wears joggers with holes where burned with disc cutter
19, Must have illegible handwriting, like a Doctor.
20, The ability to swear at least 3 times in every sentence and make it sound ok.
21, An inherent hatred of traffic wardens,the police,Judges,Magistrates,Site managers and most of all Bricklayers + their ex wives and their ex wives partners,families, families pets etc etc etc.
22, Has a stupid, childish ringtone on his mobile phone.
23, Gets the evening standard for the sole purpose of looking at the scaffolding jobs (regardless of whether looking for work or not)
24, Has chips with their breakfast (under 25’s only)
25, Spends every other night ‘up all night with the little one’ – even though their missus doesn’t work.
26, Have an amazing ability to keep a straight face when saying “what are we gonna get paid for saturday?'” – even though a complete moron could work out that absolutely nothing gets done on the saturday and they were clearly in the Wetherspoons at 11am.
27, Have tinned, not fried tomatoes with their breakfast (over 25’s only)
28, Own a ‘standard scaffolders issue phone’ that runs out of battery at 3.30pm, every day.
29, Takes a sh*t at least 4 times a day (daywork lads only)
30, Thinks Cancun is a good place to get married
31, Has a bacon roll for breakfast (over 50’s only)
32, Doesn’t realise that there is an echo when you ring your governor from a pub toilet.
33,Only ever does “drawing jobs mate” but can’t actually read one.
34, Works on a site with skips ,and waste bins everywhere but can’t put the crisp bags,coke cans,fag packets,old scratch cards,copies of the Sun,Sport etc into one of the said waste receptacles,preferring instead to leave it in the lorry so that its so dirty you need a tetanus jab to get in it.
35, Would walk miles to get to a cafe, but won’t walk 50 ft to get the gear because “I’m a f*ckin scaff not a Donkey mate”.
36, Will use any of the following items, Nail,bolt,old drill bit,bit of threaded rod,piece of wood or metal to knock in a hilti m16 insert EVEN IF THEY HAD THE DRIFT.
37, Would think nothing of carefully cutting out a patch of carefully erected monoflex
so as to be able to watch women below.
38, Will spend thousands on the latest flatscreen tv but won’t buy a new spanner ,preferring to fix it with an old nail or the like.
39, Will wear boots that Robinson Crusoe wouldn’t been seen in,unless on the cards and then DeWalt are the only boots acceptable.
40, Will ask endless stupid questions during a toolbox talk in your time to drag it out,but won’t even breathe during a toolbox talk ,at lets say 4 ish !
41, Has to have to have at least 6 red bulls a day.
42, Goes to the shop for food after coming to work, even if they pass the shop on the way in.
43, Must own an aquaphone:- rings the boss the instant a drop of rain hits it.
44, Be allergic to the fittings shed.
45, And paint.
46, Must have the ability to drive to the job and back at 40 mph (motorway or not )
47, And 90 mph if it’s a job and knock.
48, Be a proper chatterbox from 8am to 8:30 when they get into work and practically deaf and dumb at ten to five when its time to go home.
49, Must think that supplied work clothes are of the disposable type. Most of ours are behind seats of lorries and in the canteen.
50, Who’s next for a rant.
51, Will be able to text whilst carrying out any number of precarious tasks including,Driving,scaffolding,eating in the cafe,on the rope and wheel,talking on the landline
52, Will think nothing of bombing tonnes of gear into an area the size of a stamp rather than walking it 10 yards, so the whole area resembles a crows nest or giant game or Kerr-plunk with people everywhere dodging the tubes raining down from above,only to down tools should a speck of debris from another trade fall within 50ft of them.
53, Will take weeks to carry out a job whilst on daywork ,but hours if its job and knock.
54, Can do amazing calculations Stephen Hawkins would struggle with to work out the odds on a yankee at the bookies or work out what they have earned on a price, but can’t fill in a tacho.
55, Are able to park the lorry anywhere in london at any time for any reason “cus we’re scaffs mate,don’t need an exemption”
56, Can get a lorry into any area any where, if it means not walking the gear more than a metre.
57,Have or will work on “Buck ouse” (Buckingham Palace) at sometime between stints in Jail
58, Are “Friends” on Raol Moats facebook page
59, Went to Ronnie Krays funeral
60, Erect 20′ square each and every day regardless of where they are.
61, Insist you buy fruit of the loom sweatshirts for them ,and then after 1 day they wear crappy old sweatshirts from their old firm claiming the new one you gave them is in the wash,and they need another.
62, Utters the generic phrase “I could get a start on there tomorrow if I wanted to” (at intervals not exceeding 35 minutes.)
63, If a large, prestige job is mentioned by anyone, the words “yeah, I put that up” is muttered, following a pause not exceeding 0.015 seconds (even though it clearly took at crew of 12 blokes, 6 weeks to erect, during which time the scaffolder in question was doing house fronts for £80 a day, cash in hand.)
64, The supervisor was ALWAYS ‘useless on the tools’
65, Leaves a perfectly good, regular job for an extra fiver a day.
66, Thinks Sharm el Skeikh is a decent holiday resort.
67, Is a fully certified and paid up member of ‘The Monday Club’
68, Has a complete and utter lack of understanding of the difference between a half hitch and a clove hitch.
69, Surveys suggest that the average London scaffolder with 10 years in the game has said “Yeah, I know Hayden” at least 8 thousand times during his career….
70, Has a missus who works part time in a high street bank.
71, Whilst having a mandatory stella session in the local boozer on a Friday afternoon/evening, only multi lift hangars, apexed temporary roofs, flying shores, or jobs exceeding 600ft high will be mentioned.
72, Will always steal,borrow,filch,nick,take any building materials from site if carrying out a complex building job at home, claiming it a “right on the site”. I have personaly witnessed such items as ,Bricks and blocks,wood,tiles and slates the ever popular bags of cement (damp) sand, fridges and white goods a dog and even a small rowing boat with “Property of Grafham water” clearly written on it.
73,Will take every single item from the yard that the rival gang needed,even if its not needed by them,just for badness !
74, Will ring up the yardman at 4.30 with a massive list you couldn’t fit on the Titanic and utter the words “we need all that in the morning or we can’t get on”
75, Will send back the above loaded lorry with the mearest amount used proclaiming job done mate at 12.30 (usually fridays).
76, Will take “Colditz” style chances to steal the yardman’s gloves or tape measure.
77, Over-order gloves and then sell the surplus to a trader on Romford Market for 50p a pair.
78, Think that anyone is actually impressed or cares that you ‘did a flying shore on your advanced course’ – Er, so just like everyone else then?…
79, Arrive on site at 8.15 and declare to a stressed site manager “Don’t worry mate, we’re the A-Team”, and then promptly disappear to the cafe until 10am.
80, Think that the office girls over the road and the gang of bricklayers on site will be impressed when you ‘balance’ a 21 on your chin. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
81, Claim to be s**t hot at hemping and then when a lift with high scarfs comes along, either, 1 – go for a dump, or 2 – Jump down into the chain and let a real scaffolder whack em on.
82 Has at one time or another owned a ford granada
83 Worked on the Nat West tower under 25s
84 Thrown gear down so high it burst a gas pipe.
85 Fallen over 20′ but survived cause they were in the SAS/SBS
86 Flapped band and plate from 100ft without the pair parting
87 Dropped a 21 in Oxford street in rush hour miraculously missing everyone
88 Has a blimp on every job even if its not a street job!!
89 Thinks the dash for the lorry is where you place you’re feet
90 Thinks every bird must fancy me even when I have no hair and no teeth case i am a scaff so then says Morning Darling Fancy the Weekend on My Boat (Boat Race + Face for the uneducated)
91, Thinks that materials are issued to scaffolding companies free of charge…
92, Has a fondness for pathetic chunks of worthless yellow ‘jewellery’
93, Randomly says “I spent 2 years on the rope and wheel before I was allowed any spanners” (even though you can clearly remember him spending £302.77 in Leaches a day after he received his first wage packet)
94, Asks for a sub 2 days after he receives his first wage packet
95, Thinks that diesel is issued to scaffolding companies free of charge….
96, Has the top Sky TV subscription
97, Has a slate in his local boozer
98, Thinks that non-productive personnel are issued to scaffolding companies free of charge…
99, Is saving up to get married in Vegas
100, Has a forklift/mewp/first aid ticket “but it’s expired” – “so you don’t have a ticket then?” – “No, but I did have” – “That’s a no then!”
101, If given the choice and it was “FREE” would still rather fill their Astra, or Escort (ex bt) van up with red diesel.
102, Has considered/contemplated or tried to fit the 3.5 tonne lorry through the Mcdonalds drive through.
103, Has got really friendly with the site canteen lady, run up a massive bill on credit ,then knocked her and been heard laughing and muttering “fat old cow her sausages were tesco’s white label anyway, she deserved it”
104, Has braved the coldest,snow laden roads only to turn up in the yard,do a handbrake turn ,skimming the parked forklift being jump started,lept out of the car to a barrage of snow balls, put up a stowic defense of the fitting bins,then breezed into the office declaring “you can’t work out in this mate,its freezing and dangerous”
105, Used the forklift in the yard as a jack to change a wheel or bald tyre.
106, Has forgotten how to tie a dolly knot…..
107, Always,always has a ridiculous middle name!
108, Thinks the contracts manager doesn’t know anything about scaffolding…”That’s why he’s in the office!”
109, Has, at some stage in his career, rolled a spliff in the passenger seat of a Ford Cargo
110, Makes a 6 monthly pilgrimage to Lillywhites to buy cheap Umbro socks for work.
111, Doesn’t know what a dolly knot is
112, Thinks SG4:10 is “that new terminal at Heathrow Palmers are doing”
113, Never realised you’re supposed to read and sign the method statement.
114, Thinks the supervisors business cards are great for Roach’s but little else “Just like im”
115, Has knocked one out over the office girl,regardless of what she looks like
116 ,Has got drunk,lary and tried to tap you up for a pay rise at the Christmas drink and will definitely have used the phrase “But we do loads more than them wan*ers” before running off with the kitty.
117, Every gang in the country must, by law, contain one lanky scaffolder who has a goatee beard and wears army style camouflage combat trousers to work.
118, Thinks that Nando’s is an acceptable place to take the missus on their wedding anniversary.
119, Supplies overpriced £30 a wrap ‘pub standard’ ****** to the yard foreman, QS and design engineer.
120, Has ‘tubular artist’ in the employment section of their facebook profile.
121, Will never have enough knowledge to lie about a massive project they’ve never worked on – and wish they had of done, but will supplement it with the generic “Yeah, we just went over there for 3 days to do a hangar”
122, Item 121 will ALWAYS be a hangar.
123, Will have no idea that the fella they’re telling lies to about items 121/122, was the project manager on that job ‘they did the (imaginary) hangar on’.
124, Will over exaggerate by as much as 25% the gear used in the imaginary Hanger (121)
125, Will have struck the above imaginary hanger by simply undoing the top fittings and letting it fall to the ground, or even better into a river,lake or the sea narrowly missing some valuable piece of machinery or ship.
126, Will let you fill in ,post off ,wait for weeks for a response to that application to work on a Police station, military installation, sensitive government building etc, before letting you know that the reason its not been accepted is that they have been inside a couple of times but didn’t think it would matter if they forgot to put it in the box that said “Any previous convictions”
127, Has to be home by 3.00 pm as their wife’s a hairdresser and has a job on worth £75 cash that night and they need to look after Little Alfie and Chardonnay.
128, Will always drink and drive in the company van ,sit out in the beer garden on the pavement wearing the company clothing to advertise the fact, then when caught utter the phrase “sneaky bast*rds were waiting for me” with a shocked look on his face.
129, Would do anything for his work mates as they are “diamond geezers, salt of the earth” then sleep with their workmates wives, partners ,daughters and tell everyone on earth about it.
130, Can never just go out and have A Drink, has to get totally wasted and drink 20 pints of “Turbo nutter brew”
132, Will automatically criticize even the most tidy job in history by simply adding the phrase “I wouldn’t have braced it like that” or the ever popular “why did they base it out like that”
133, Will slag off the keenest labourer and insist they had it much harder and they could carry gear much further and so on.
134, Has used their scaffold ticket more for chopping up coke than scaffolding purposes.
135, Has brought tools cheaply off ebay and then tried to sell them onto to their workmates at a ripping proffit.
136, Will as a matter of course knowingly lie about traffic incidents ,such as swearing at the public, even though the said members of the public have rung the number on the truck and given a brilliant description of the driver complete with what he was wearing.
137, Shall be known or called “Geordie” if from north east no matter what.
138, Has to listen to radio 1 full blast from the biggest radio at all times of the day or night.
139, Will accept and enjoy copious amounts of the contract managers premium grade ******* at the Xmas piss-up, but then revert to referring to him as “that tight c**t” on Monday January 3.
140, If a rival gang do a large or prestigious job then the phrase “we were supposed to go over and do that, but were busy on item 121” will be used whenever anyone else mentions what a good job they did.
141, Has had a fight (and won) with his girlfriend’s ex fella (who works on Trad) at least once.
142, A folded up, out of date William Hill football coupon will be kept in the side pocket of his tool bag.
143, Thinks that electricity is piped into scaffolding yards and offices, free of charge.
144, Regardless of that fact that the yard manager has 35 years experience in the scaffolding industry, and has worked 7 days a week for the last 18 months “we sorted the yard out for that fat c**t”.
145, Has gone down the yard, at least once ‘to beat up the supervisor’.
146, Has never, ever, beaten up the supervisor.
147, Does not have any idea, whatsoever, what tredda plates are actually designed for.
148, Thinks an ‘SK’ is an acronym for ‘steel klamp’.
149, Will happily go on his scaffold course rinsing you for every expense going, come back with a great big Portfolio,dump it on your desk,beg you to fill it in “cus I don’t do paperwork” then the minute ,no second,its complete ask for another £20 a day “cus now I’m qualified”
150, Is guaranteed to ask if they can borrow a tiny bit of gear to do a private job on “me old grans house”, then completely clean out the yard of every stick of scaffold, then promptly leave thinking you’ve forgotten all about it.
151, Will storm into the office when they see their wages are short claiming all the direct debits have bounced,and they can’t pay their mortgage or rent and you owe them big style, and then realise they were actually on holiday the previous week but had used up all of their holiday days not coming in on the 30 or so Mondays because on of their various grandparents had died (see item 4 )or because they were on the p*ss drrrrrrrrrr
152, Will think nothing of actually using the expletive as a heading for his post in a forum,where sensible people would change a vital letter to abide by the rules……snigger snigger
153, Can’t start a well paid job until their court case is finished.
Written By Scaffolders Forum Members, Phil181 & Dangeruss
with contributions from Scaffman1 & Tufty